1:00a.m.: Alarm clock rings.
2:00a.m.: Hunting partner arrives—drags you out of bed.
3:00a.m.: Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.
3:05a.m.: Leave for the deep woods.
3:15a.m.: Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30a.m.: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00a.m.: Set up camp—forgot the tent.
4:30a.m.: Head into the woods.
6:05a.m.: See eight deer.
6:06a.m.: Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:08a.m.: Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00a.m.: Head back to camp.
9:00a.m.: Still looking for camp.
10:00a.m.: Realize you don’t know where camp is.
Noon: Fire gun for help—eat wild berries.
12:15p.m.: Ran out of bullets—eight deer come back.
12:20p.m.: Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30p.m.: Realize you ate poison berries.
12:55p.m.: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00p.m.: Arrived back in camp.
3:30p.m.: leave camp to kill deer.
4:00p.m.: Return to camp for bullets.
4:01p.m.: Load gun—leave camp again.
5:00p.m.: Empty gun on squirrel that’s bugging you.
6:00p.m.: Arrive at camp—see deer grazing in camp.
6:01p.m.: Load gun.
6:02p.m.: Fire gun.
6:03p.m.: One dead pickup truck.
6:05p.m.: Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06p.m.: Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07p.m.: Fall into fire.
6:10p.m.: Change clothes—throw burned ones into fire.
6:15p.m.: Take pickup—leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25p.m.: Pickup boils over—hole shot in block.
6:26p.m.: Start walking.
6:30p.m.: Stumble and fall—drop gun in the mud.
6:35p.m.: Meet bear.
6:36p.m.: Take aim.
6:37p.m.: Fire gun—blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38p.m.: Make mess in pants.
6:39p.m.: Climb tree.
9:00p.m.: Bear departs—wrap damn gun around tree.
Midnight: Home at last.
Next day: Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces—place in envelope and mail to Game Warden with very clear instructions on where to place it.