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Hunter’s Diary

1:00a.m.: Alarm clock rings.

2:00a.m.: Hunting partner arrives—drags you out of bed.

3:00a.m.: Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.

3:05a.m.: Leave for the deep woods.

3:15a.m.: Drive back home and pick up gun.

3:30a.m.: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.

4:00a.m.: Set up camp—forgot the tent.

4:30a.m.: Head into the woods.

6:05a.m.: See eight deer.

6:06a.m.: Take aim and squeeze trigger.

6:07a.m.: “Click”.

6:08a.m.: Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.

8:00a.m.: Head back to camp.

9:00a.m.: Still looking for camp.

10:00a.m.: Realize you don’t know where camp is.

Noon: Fire gun for help—eat wild berries.

12:15p.m.: Ran out of bullets—eight deer come back.

12:20p.m.: Strange feeling in stomach.

12:30p.m.: Realize you ate poison berries.

12:45p.m.: Rescued.

12:55p.m.: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.

3:00p.m.: Arrived back in camp.

3:30p.m.: leave camp to kill deer.

4:00p.m.: Return to camp for bullets.

4:01p.m.: Load gun—leave camp again.

5:00p.m.: Empty gun on squirrel that’s bugging you.

6:00p.m.: Arrive at camp—see deer grazing in camp.

6:01p.m.: Load gun.

6:02p.m.: Fire gun.

6:03p.m.: One dead pickup truck.

6:05p.m.: Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.

6:06p.m.: Repress strong desire to shoot partner.

6:07p.m.: Fall into fire.

6:10p.m.: Change clothes—throw burned ones into fire.

6:15p.m.: Take pickup—leave partner and his deer in the woods.

6:25p.m.: Pickup boils over—hole shot in block.

6:26p.m.: Start walking.

6:30p.m.: Stumble and fall—drop gun in the mud.

6:35p.m.: Meet bear.

6:36p.m.: Take aim.

6:37p.m.: Fire gun—blow up barrel plugged with mud.

6:38p.m.: Make mess in pants.

6:39p.m.: Climb tree.

9:00p.m.: Bear departs—wrap damn gun around tree.

Midnight: Home at last.

Next day: Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces—place in envelope and mail to Game Warden with very clear instructions on where to place it.