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If Abbott And Costello Worked In Tech Support

A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question:

Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?

UNIX consul: Yes, that’s correct.

Customer: No, what is it?

UNIX consul: Yes.

Customer: So, which is the one?

UNIX consul: No. ‘which’ is used to find the program.

Customer: Stop this. Who are you?

UNIX consul: Use ‘who am i’ not ‘who r yoo’. You can also ‘finger yoo’ to get information about ‘yoo’.

Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?

UNIX consul: Use ‘what’.

Customer: That’s what I’m trying to find out. Isn’t that true?

UNIX consul: No. ‘true’ gives you 0.

Customer: Which one?

UNIX consul: ‘true’ gives you 0. ‘which programname’.

Customer: Let’s get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

UNIX consul: Type ‘find / -name it -print’ to find ‘it’. Type ‘what program’ to get the revision code.

Customer: I want to find the revision code.

UNIX consul: You can’t ‘find revisoncode’, you must use ‘what program’.

Customer: Which command will do what I need?

UNIX consul: No. ‘which command’ will find ‘command’.

Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.

UNIX consul: You can ‘write that’ only if ‘that’ is a user on your system.

Customer: Write what?

UNIX consul: No. ‘write that’. ‘what program’.

Customer: Cut that out!

UNIX consul: Yes. Those are valid files for ‘cut’. Don’t forget the options.

Customer: Do you always do this?

UNIX consul: ‘du’ will give you disk usage.

Customer: HELP!

UNIX consul: ‘help’ is only used for Source Code Control Systems (SCCS).

Customer: You make me angry.

UNIX consul: No, I don’t ‘make me’ angry but I did ‘make programname’ when I was upset once.

Customer: I don’t want to make trouble, so no more.

UNIX consul: No ‘more’? ‘which’ will help you find ‘more’. Every system has ‘more’.

Customer: Nice help! I’m confused more now!

UNIX consul: Understand that since ‘help’ is such a small program, it is better not to ‘nice help’. And ‘more now’ is not allowed but ‘at now’ is. Unless of course ‘now’ is a file name.

Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

UNIX consul: I didn’t know you needed help with ‘pc’. Let me get you to the Pascal Compiler team.

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