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Winter Tale

December 8: It started to snow. The fist of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down over the area. It was beautiful.

December 9: We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantel. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both our driveway and the sidewalk. Later the snowplow came along and covered up our sidewalk with compacted snow from the street. I shoveled again and enjoyed.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Oh well, I’m sure we will get some more before the lovely winter is over.

December 14: It snowed 8 inches last night and the thermometer dropped to 5 degrees below zero. Shoveled the driveway and sidewalk again and the snowplow came by and did its thing again.

December 15: Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer so I can drive in the snow. I also had to go out and buy snow tires for my wife’s car.

December 16: Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway. All that was hurt was my feelings.

December 17: Still cold (below zero in the a.m.) and icy roads make for very tough driving.

December 20: Had another 14 inches of the white shit last night. More shoveling for me today. That damn snowplow came by twice.

December 22: We are assured for a white Christmas because another foot of the white sheet fell today and with this freezing weather it won’t melt until August. Got all dressed up to go out and shovel (boots, jump suit, heavy jacket, scarf, ear muffs, gloves, etc) and then I had to piss.

December 24: If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street 100 miles per hour and throws snow all over what used to be my clean driveway.

December 25: Merry Christmas! They predict 20 more inches of the fucking white snow tonight. To hell with Santa, he doesn’t have to shovel the white shit. The snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I hit him over the head with my snow shovel.

December 26: We got the 20 inches they predicted and then some. I must be going snowblind or have a severe case of cabin fever because my wife is starting to look good to me again.

December 27: The toilet froze. If you go outside, don’t eat the yellow snow.

December 28: I set fire to the house. Now that white shit won’t cling to the roof. We are taking the insurance money and moving to Florida.