Employer Talk
- “Entry-Level Position”
- You’ll be making under $7 an hour.
- “Entry-Level Position In An Up-And-Coming Company”
- You’ll be making under $7 and hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.
- “An Up-And-Coming Software Company”
- We want you to get your hopes up, but there’s no chance in hell we’ll be the next Microsoft.
- “Profit-Sharing Plan”
- Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.
- “Competitive Salary”
- We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
- “Join Our Fast-Paced Company”
- We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
- “Nationally Recognized Leader”
- Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.
- “Immediate Opening”
- The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.
- “Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self-Starter”
- We’re not going to supply you with leads; there’s no base salary; you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
- “Self-Motivated”
- Management won’t answer questions.
- “We Offer Great Benefits”
- After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
- “Pension/Retirement Benefits”
- After 3 years, we’ll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we’ll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
- “Seeking Enthusiastic, Fun, Hard Working, People”
- ...who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries.
- “Casual Work Atmosphere”
- We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
- “Competitive Environment”
- We have a lot of turnover.
- “Exciting And Professional Work Environment”
- Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
- “Join Our Dynamic Team”
- We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
- “Fun Work Environment”
- Your coworkers will be insulted if you don’t drink with them.
- “A Drug-Free Work Environment”
- We booze it up at company parties.
- “Must Be Deadline Oriented”
- You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
- “Some Public Relations Required”
- If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get us out of it.
- “Some Overtime Required”
- Some time each night and some time each weekend.
- “Salary Range $24k - $32k”
- We’ll offer you $22k to start.
- “A Highly Visible Position”
- You’ll give boring speeches on your own time.
- “Flexible Hours”
- Work 40 hours; get paid of 25.
- “Duties Will Vary”
- Anyone in the office can boss you around.
- “Where Employees Feel Valued”
- Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.
- “Must Have An Eye For Detail”
- We have no quality control.
- “College Degree Preferred”
- Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English, or religion.
- “No Phone Calls Please”
- We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
- “Seeking Candidates With A Wide Variety Of Experience”
- You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
- “Problem-Solving Skills A Must”
- You’re walking into a company in pertetural chaos.
- “Requires Team Leadership Skills”
- You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
- “Good Communication Skills”
- Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want to do.
- “Ability To Handle A Heavy Workload”
- You whine, you’re fired.
- “Aspirations For Growth Within Our Company”
- We love brown-nosers.
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