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Applicant Speak

“I Know How To Deal With Stressful Situations”
I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
“I Seek A Job That Will Draw Upon My Strong Communication & Organization Skills”
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
“I’m Extremely Adept At All Manner Of Office Organization”
I’ve used Microsoft Office.
“I’m Honest, Hard-Working And Dependable”
I pilfer office supplies.
“My Pertinent Work Experience Includes”
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.
“I Take Pride In My Work”
I blame others for my mistakes.
“I’m Balanced And Centered”
I’ll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
“I Have A Sense Of Humor”
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
“I’m Personable”
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
“I’m Willing To Relocate”
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.
“I’m Extremely Professional”
I carry a Day-Timer.
“My Background And Skills Match Your Requirements”
You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.
“I Am Adaptable”
I’ve changed jobs a lot.
“I Am On The Go”
I’m never at my desk.
“I’m Highly Motivated To Succeed”
The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.
“I Have Formal Training”
I’m a college drop-out.
“I Interact Well With Co-Workers”
I’ve been accused of sexual harassment.
“Thank You For Your Time And Consideration”
Wait! Don’t throw me away!
“I Look Forward To Hearing From You Soon”
Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

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