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16 Signs It’s Time To Abandon Your Space Station

  1. “Dear Dmitri: We at Mutual of Kazakhstan regret to inform you of the cancellation of your insurance policy....”
  2. Ship’s computer calmly says, “I don’t know what air leak you’re talking about, Comrade Dave.”
  3. After several days of low oxygen, you’re starting to give serious consideration to Cosmonaut Andrei’s offer to join the “Hundred Mile High” club.
  4. It’s down to just you and Sigourney Weaver.
  5. Old ladies swatting at you with rakes from their roof tops.
  6. Mission Control asks if you can “beam down immediately.”
  7. Network news broadcasts have started referring to you as “Spam in a can.”
  8. No more Stoli.
  9. That’s one small scratch on the port, one giant gash on the starboard side.
  10. The Russian Transportation Safety Bureau has issued a recall on all Mir Model 2000 Orbital Space Platforms.
  11. The Soviets announce the space station has a mild cold.
  12. The Super Glue is gone and you’re down to one roll of duct tape.
  13. They’ve already chosen Tom Hanks to play you in Apollo 13, Part II.
  14. You and your comrades realize those weren’t “spare” oxygen generator parts you made the still out of.
  15. You overhear Mission Control arguing over who gets to keep your stuff.
  16. You translate a Russian message which reads “Jettison the American....”