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Shine Like An Idiot

I don’t know why I exist,
But to sit here and scribble over empty
 words which will give no relief.
Lost in some emptiness of me
A fear of trying, a fear of trying,
A fear of trying
To sit
Empty
Idiot
Pondering over an empty existence,
With no one to blame but me
For hiding
Scared and stupid
Shinning brilliant in loneliness
 -- or, I mean, ignorance
Shine like an idiot
Shine like a fool
Trying so hard to lock myself away
 from a world I wish so much to join
But not all...
Just join one
Eternally and blissfully
A dream I know will never bloom
Not as long as I sit here,
Asking myself why
Am I the idiot I am

Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I cry over my own shame?
A neglect I myself create, and mold,
 and nourish in a vision of myself I try to deny?
Kill me
Hate me
Forget me
Save me
No, never
My world is real
Reality is just some fiction I’m looking through
 like some evil play meant to remind me of my own
 isolation, and fear, and stupidity, and foolishness,
 and regret, and pain.
So much pain
All my own
My own
My own delusion which binds me,
 within me
Crying and dying
As I can’t break free

Why!

Why will I always remain in this fear,
 of a dark voice that looms over me,
 criticizing my every dream.

It’s perfection
My impossible climb for eminence, radiance, sovereignty,
 an apex of righteous perfection and...
How stupid
Just live
Be human
Make mistakes
But not me
No
I can’t
Someone has to be
A shinning example
But all I shine of is idiocy
I am an idiot
I am a fool
I am a fool
I am a fool
I am a fool
I am a fool
I am a fool
I am a fool
I am a fool
I am a fool
I am a fool

A fool
       with no escape

No escape from me

Speak
      Live
           Be

No No NO!

 
I don’t know how to try

I don’t know